True Tales of Lust and Love by Anna David

Author:Anna David [David, Anna]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781619023680
Publisher: Catapult

My Boyfriend, Jesus

Diana Spechler

I once dated a guy who thought he was Jesus. I don’t mean he thought he was Jesus in the enlightened, we-are-all-one sense, in which case he would have thought he was also Buzz Aldrin, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and flowers. He thought he was just Jesus.

Granted, Jesus’s delusion (let’s call him Jesus; he would want it that way) reflects less poorly on him than it does on me. Why, you might ask, would I date a guy who thought he was Jesus, when there are so many guys out there who, you know, don’t think they’re Jesus? Especially considering the fact that I’m Jewish?

But I was twenty years old. Although being twenty isn’t the same thing as having a frontal lobotomy, it is similar. And Jesus was super hot. He had blue eyes and biceps. A piano-key smile. He looked like a jock, but he’d been born and raised in Boulder, Colorado, where we were college students, so he wasn’t a jock so much as the son of a yoga instructor.

Before I knew that he thought he was Jesus, before I even knew that he was hot, I met Jesus at a Halloween party where he was dressed as a vampire. Boulderites take Halloween seriously. This was no slapdash vampire costume; not only was Jesus’s face painted a ghoulish purple-white, not only did he sport fangs and convincing dribbles of blood on his chin, not only did he don a floor-length cape, but he had shaved his head and gotten horns surgically embedded in his scalp. At least, they looked surgically embedded. I liked him right away due to the energy he’d expended on that costume.

We chatted briefly at the party before a girl dressed as a sexy nurse overdosed in the bathroom, convulsed on the floor, and was carted off in an ambulance. (For the record, she survived, and went on to enjoy several more overdoses, and now, I see on Facebook, she’s married and has breast implants, so don’t you worry about her.) Because Jesus was friends with the sexy nurse, he got so upset that he needed to go home to meditate. I was disappointed. We’d been having a great conversation about his family members, to whom he referred as his “pillars.” I would soon learn that, the way Jesus saw it, everyone in his life existed just to prop him up.

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